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24 May 2009

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-have a good cry alone. a really good one. take a deep breath and realize, or know deep down, as hard as it is that everything happens for a reason.
-wash your hair and sing silently- i'm washing that man right out of my hair!
-arrange a "thank god i am free again" or single- coming out party with your friends

if someone cannot clearly see your worth, they are not worth a second of your time- not even in thought

all easier said of course but just believe that you deserve so much better than to feel any pain- love is wonderful when it is unconditional!!!

Corey,
You are right as usual; broken hearts do heal and leave a scar for rememberance sake. How to hasten the healing? Well a too quikly healed wound is weak and subject to reopening. Only time will bring full healing. When thoughts turn to the wound, force oneself to think of something you enjoy; occupy your mind with other more comforting ideas. Better yet; offer you help to someone more needy than yourself.
jmho. :)
rel

Lessons learned after my divorce ...

I think a break-up is a good time to look at yourself. To realize that you don't need someone who doesn't appreciate you and that you deserve better.

Take care of yourself. Pamper yourself. Buy nice underwear. Spend time with good friends.

Then you plot you revenge! By revenge, I mean you vow to live a *better* life without him. You DO NOT call him and cry. A man respects you more if you show him you can live well without him.

Great advice so far! I would like to add:
Take it one step at a time, one day after the other. Stay busy, occupy yourself with things you love. It may not seem like it is getting any easier at that very moment, but one day you will suddenly notice that it doesn't hurt quite as badly, that you are not quite as sad and that life has gotten pretty darn good.

I can only reiterate spending time with close friends and other people who really know and love you. They will help you remember who you are on your own and which kinds of things you enjoy doing that make life fun that have nothing to do with a relationship. Most of all, give it time, give yourself time.

One word: Chocolate, and lots of it! And a good gym membership!

Deciding how much time to suffer, and telling yourself it was worth the lessons learned. All the logic comes "after" the good cry for the loss of course. Love is risky, but worth it.
Marcie

Retreat...
Commiserate alone...
Take as much time needed.
Believe there is light ahead,
And know in your heart that this too shall pass.

Go shopping, lose weight, look amazing, flirt, jx

Dear Brokenhearted,

I love all the advice given so far...do all of that, then immediately find an interim boyfriend. That's what I did. When I cried on his shoulder, he would say, "Like it or not, you will survive this."

Then depersonalize the ex by giving him a nasty nickname. My ex is S.H., for short. All my friends still call him that. Don't dare contemplate ending it all, because in two years you will not even remember his face and it would be awful to have ended your life over someone who is not even memorable.

P.S. The interim boyfriend introduced me to Tall Husband, to whom I've been married for 27 years this month.

Annie

Per usual... I rely on people with far greater wisdom than mine to dole out any advise. When I suffered a broken heart, I sought out s few of the best teachers in the world for advise. Leo (see quote below) was one that shed light on a way of looking at love that I had never, ever considered. I highly recommend reading. I sincerely hope it helps.


Love is always bestowed as a gift --
freely, willingly, and without expectation....
We don't love to be loved; we love to love.
~ Leo Buscaglia

Put a rubber band around your wrist. When you think of your ex boyfriend pull on the rubber band, then let it go, snapping on your wrist.

Of course when someone told me to do this I thought they were nuts!

My wrist was nearly cut in half from snapping it so much.

Whatever you do it won't be easy, it will hurt as much, and most likely you will blame yourself.

Love is not an easy street. But worth the bumpy road and wild turns to behold the vistas.

Travel. It doesn't have to be far away and exotic (but that helps if you can!). Go somewhere new, where you've never been, alone. It reminds you that you are strong and independent. You meet more people when traveling alone, people meeting the new you. Bring some of those books you've been meaning to read. Make lots of plans and then do nothing if you want. Buy yourself a little "new life chapter" treat. I met a woman recently while living here in Buenos Aires. She is from Denmark and was wearing a beautiful ring. I commented on it and she said after her break-up she bought the ring to remind herself of her value as a woman. I thought that was great. She never takes it off.

I agree with Marcie that you have to indulge your grief for a period of time (maybe a few days of moping about, crying, watching tv and eating ice cream). Remind yourself that life is too short to spend your time wanting someone who doesn't feel the same about you. Then take a cleansing bath or shower and pick something else to focus on and pour yourself into it. Note that I said something, not someone. Rediscover yourself without the need to find someone else. Chances are you may not REALLY have been so smitten with him/her once you examine your relationship a bit more clinically.

watch a girl movie and cry while eating ice cream. Then the next day go shopping and go out to dinenr with friends.

I spent to many years of my late teens and twentys always being broken hearted. Now that I am older and hopefully a little wiser, I wish that I hadn't wasted all my time because in the end when it is the right person everything just falls into place. I agree though a little cry and some ice cream do some wonders, but one can only do that for so long or you will end up -well you know and then know one wants you not even yourself. Realizing that you are of worth really helps because then you realize that if that person doesn't see you the same way then oh well because it is their lose.

Lots of advice, all good and much specific to each persons needs. Take time to grieve the relationship;cry,rant,rage and come to know your own worth. After ex-fiance and I parted I was devastated. Couldn't understand how this person could do what he did, to me. In hindsight I realize he did it to himself because what and who he ended up with was not nearly as special as me! (Didn't hurt that almost 25 years later his Mother told me something very similar!) Do I have regrets, not a one. The man who appreciates and loves me has gladly walked in my front door for the last 24 years and is here for the long haul, through the good and bad. And I love and appreciate him and THAT is what makes it work. All the best, it will get better with time.

Get busy: enroll in a course, take up a new hobby, clean the house from top to bottom, make pasta from scratch - anything that will keep your mind and hands occupied at least for a few hours a day.
When the waves of pain, sadness, anger come (because they will), listen to suppy, mushy music, "cry if you want to", and talk to your best friend.
With each coming morning, there will be one less tear, one less pang in the heart and a morning will come when you will open your eyes and declare that life is good again and the world is beautiful.

Everyone has made such wise, and experienced, and good hearted comments already, but just to add to it, this is what I thought:

I guess we are broken hearted when our 'reason for being' has left us. It's so easy to expect one person to supply us with that reason to be, but it's actually too much to ask of one person, even if they do turn out to be 'the One'.

So, I think what other people have talked about is how to find newer, and perhaps more valid, 'reasons for being'. New activities, new people to help, new things to learn, new places to go... all of these things give a reason for life to go on, and to go on very well indeed. What is the purpose of your life? It was never just to love that one person, to the exclusion of all else. Now you can look out and see what/who else is there to be loved.

A trip to France and especially a trip to Paris would be a definite cure. I read somewhere this girl was dumped by her boyfriend just before their European trip, she went anyway and had the time of her life, she never thought of him and came back only to work hard for more trips like that. How about a visit to Corey? That's a cure for me.

when my heart was broken, and I thought I would never be happy again, I traveled to France and Germany (on my own) for the first time. My therapist said "this trip will change your life" and boy did it ever! I had never traveled alone before, and the discovery that I could do all this by myself was freeing! I still read through the journal I kept that month, and love the experience all over again. So my advice to the broken-hearted would be to travel on your own and learn your own strength! (having a wildly romantic fling with a french poet couldn't hurt anything, either) xoxoRebecca

Corey, since you're an American living in southern France, it seems only apt to quote a favorite dictum of Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald's ex-pat friends there, Gerald and Sara Murphy:

LIVING WELL IS THE BEST REVENGE!

Plus, based on personal experience, it could help your friend to:

a) Remember as many bad things as possible re the ex whenever tempted to try to reconcile (a form of aversion therapy!);

b) Notice how so many other people think more highly of you and treat you respectfully than the ex did (a sign there was something irremediably wrong with the now-defunct relationship);

c) Call upon loyal friends who have promised to stage an mini-intervention any time you're tempted to go back to or even contact the ex. This includes distractions like going out to a movie or shopping or to a museum (or whatever you and the intervener mutually enjoy), or for a favorite treat;
and,

d) Make new memories that don't contain the ex -- go new places and try new activities, that is, things that don't remind your friend of the ex!

Bonne chance, boa sorte, best of luck!

good advice from all. rant and rave for a while and then move on to something new. helping others is the best healing device i know. seeing beauty in God's world is another. there are so many kind, loving people out there. things do get better.

I agree with the previous post, a trip to France will cure it. Getting your mind off of the current state of affairs and in a different environment will help, plus probably propel her to new and exciting things. Also volunteering. it always gives you a different perspective and puts the focus on someone else.

It's ok to be sad about it, but it will go away with time if you keep yourself active with something fabulous.

Carpe diem -
go out and smell the roses elsewhere,
explore the world,
walk with your head high,
and an open mind!
Feast your soul
with a book of good poems
that lift you up
(Billy Collins comes to mind!),
take deep breaths,
watch the sunrise,
welcome back your true self!

i agree with the previous post. cry and allow yourself to cry and morn but put a time limit on it, then make a date with some girl friends and try to recapture the you that was before it became we.
Start with the day or two day cry, then limit your crying to 15 minutes a day for a week or so. Having a designated time and a timer set will help you get back to being the beautiful you that once way.

I think I would go to the top of the highest building in town and jump off it.

Time is the best healer, hard to remember when in pain though. I think you have to let yourself have as many good cries as you need, write a daily journal about your feelings and than burn it one day while drinking rosé with girlfriends :)

My advice: As soon as possible, start taking better care of yourself. Wear a dress. Go get a manicure. (you can get your natural nails done for $10, and its worth the hand/arm massage to get it, trust me!)Try to work out for 15 minutes a day. You will feel better. Make a list of all the things you want to do: dance lessons, read this book, go here, sew an apron...you get the idea. For the first time in a long time, let it be all about you. And of course, don't be afraid to ask for what you need from your girlfriends. Traveling is a great idea. Get dolled up and get out! Pray.

Great advice, all of the above...

I would add one thing-
If you tend to be like me and have a hyper-sensitive central nervous system that goes of its own accord into anxiety attacks that leave you feeling like death-warmed-over, like you can't breathe, like life is rubberized... and you can't get past that within a week...
1)Go see your doctor.
2)Get help with medication, but don't allow it to go beyond one month's use - as all drugs of this kind are addictive.
3)Allow yourself to shake the shakes and de-rubberize yourself.
4)Most of all repeat this...
"This is temporary. A year from now (maybe sooner) I will not feel this way, and I will look back and be thankful I am not with that person."
5) Be yourself. Allow yourself to mourn.. it is loss after-all. Be good to yourself mentally, emotionally, physically.

You will love again~

Thank you Auntie...
Thanks all of you...
Still crying so much....
The wound is so deep inside... all over me.
It is too late, I'd better go dodo.
Love you

Dear Broken Heart,

"It is better to have loved and be hurt than not to have loved at all." This is the time to evaluate your past relationship since it takes two to tango - it may not have been the best combination. But after the introspection you must move on.

If I had married my first love, I would have eventually divorced him since I grew into a totally different person. Wrong person. Then came the perfect person but I wasn't ready for a committment. Wrong Timing. Then one day, a match was made in heaven, I met "MY SOUL MATE" (married 14 yrs now). It's all a journey, believe in yourself, be true to yourself, love yourself.

Rejection leaves us vulnerable. But we are a lot stronger than we think. AND just possibly there may be a reason why it didn't work out. Leave yourself open to new opportunities and adventures. Come out when you are ready and see how beautiful you are and how beautiful the world is. AND believe it or not there is a great person out there just waiting to meet you.

Sending you a virtual lacy, pretty hankie to cry on but it will self destruct after 10 minutes. Many blessings, Ann

I love what Bonnie Hunt recently said on her talk show...

"Sometimes, rejection is God's protection!"

SOMETIMES, REJECTION IS GOD'S PROTECTION!

Remember that. Years from now, maybe sooner. You will breathe a sigh of relief and just say, "Thank you!!!"


No break up with anyone is worth one day of your life. Be happy that you are alive. Realize that with or without "someone" by your side you can live your life richly.

The hardest thing to do, but it really works..
Love him, as a child...
Bless him, from afar...
Your pain will go away.
Really!
xox's

Dear Broken Heart,

Fall in love with yourself. The rest will follow.

:)

All comments are very useful, except the one about finding the tallest building and jumping off of it. LOL Being in between relationships and enjoying my solitude has really opened my eyes to how we must first love ourselves and appreciate ourselves as we are BY OURSELVES. I do wonder about one comment though. Someone said when the right one comes along everything will fall into place. It won't seem like WORK. I've had nothing BUT work in my relationships. I'd like to NOT have to work so hard, but then I have those friends who say relationships are ALL about work. UGH. Which is true?

For me, nature has always been the best healer when my heart hurt. Go and walk in nature every day. Sit down somewhere out in nature and watch and listen. You can be amazed right out of it! You will gain perspective and who you really are comes forward, naturally. This is the saving grace. Because of course, who you really are is the antidote to any ego crushing sadness.

My mother used to say, "In the light of all eternity..." and raise one eyebrow to make me laugh. She was always right. It's all about perspective.

Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over it became a butterfly........

we've all been through what you are going through now and survived happily and for the better and you will too.

there really is a better and much more wonderful person waiting for you. Someone who will love, inspire and value you and your love.

I know that probably seems impossible to believe right now but it's true.

Helen Keller once said ~ When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one that has been opened for us.

I hope you see your open door soon.
Sending you love and light and a hug :)


~give yourself a certain time of the day to cry and a limit at that
~ try something new
~ realize that this is suppose to hurt and then realize you can survive it

Pray or think good thoughts of that person everyday ~ anger only hurts you

I think the best way to get thru daily is to reach out to someone whose heart is broken. Your compassion for them will help. At least that's what I try.
Deb

First thing you need to know that even if you think you may not survive this, you will. Light and warm will be back to you and you will rise more confident and ready to love again.

Imagine is your teenager that tells you: I will die for sure...I will never love again, etc, etc, etc...yes, you are acting as an inexperienced person because nothing prepares us to loose someone we love, but you know now that you will heal. The point is "how fast"?

well, I used to think: I will cry a month without stop..."knowing" we broke in part because me also (not the person I am but maybe the person I tried to be in this relationship or the combination of these 2 persons) that we broke, assuming my responsibility but knowing is not only mine, we were 2 in this relationship.

And after that I will just pass on something else: life

This worked for me because my goal was:
I don't want to hear a song 10 years from now and remember this person and then feel sad. I want to cry, feel guilty, etc, etc, NOW and then forget about the pain. Afterwards only the good things on the relationship stay and some lessons.

Remember that you do things the best you can on the circumstances you are. "Theory" is easy, practice is hard. Don't feel guilty, even if you think it is "your fault". You deserve love.

A broken heart is best healed if we have friends or people who loves us. And like any other mourning in life, being close to nature helps a lot! and tea and scones and chocolate for sure! Share your pain, don't stay alone. Eventually it will go away and you will love better and more next time.


Realize that love is something that flows from the heart.
Pray for the other person no differently than if they were yours forever.
Live your life knowing you are someone of great value.
Christ was willing to die for you, He loves you unconditionally.
Give Jesus your scars; He is willing to wear them.
Realize a man who truly loves a woman, loves her heart and soul.
A man whose love is such that he will die for you is a love worth finding.
Last but not least....
Remember that a man will never leave a heart as beautiful as a rose. You have the ability to become the most beautiful rose of all.

Concerning marriage... If a man loves a woman the way God intended her cup will be constantly overflowing with joy and happiness. She will not have to WORK at her relationship, for she will do her best to out love him in return.

The first thing you have to realize is that you are not alone. Everyone, at some point, experiences heart break but also realize that it is survivable, even if it doesn't feel that way at first.

Allow yourself a brief mourning period to reflect and review. Realize that a broken relationship is much easier than a broken marriage, especially one with children involved. As sad and heartbreaking as it is, he may have spared you even more misery.

Then pursue an interest that has always intriqued you. Perhaps golf lessons, taking a course, volunteer work..anything that stimulates your brain and occupies your thoughts.

Don't look down, keep your eyes and head facing up and looking forward. When you are in a bad place you must keep moving because you will never gain momentum by standing still. Smile and stride confidently into the future!

Marilyn (in Dallas)

One day at a time.

These "hurts" don't ever go away,
they just get further "away" with time...
Thanks
Becky

An old term: "Fill your dance card" = not a day, an hour, a moment that lays unaccounted for. Distraction by reading book, or watching a movie, though sharing time and space with some one else is the only proper time well spent in these situations. To take a page from the sponsors of new comers of anonymous addiction, "Thirty dates in thirty days".
Keep life moving at a faster pace, though it is not a race.

Everyone has beautiful advice for you but as a grandmother, I have perhaps a slightly different view. Loving is part of everything we do. Never for one moment believe that there is only "one love" for you in this life. At each stage of our lives, there is a different love for us. The day also will come when you know that loving yourself is the most important thing you can do for you. I have been with Marshall for over 35 years and have never entered into a physical affair with another man but there have been hours or days, weeks or months during those years when I would fall in love with someone else.

Give yourself permission to move on and love, often!

Last time I got a broken heart, my friend Sylvia used her Royal Holiday Club vacation points and treated me and our group of girlfriends to a week long stay at the Park Royal Cancun resort, spa treatments included. Nothing mends a broken heart like your girlfriend unconditional love.

One more thing, listen to Jane Olivor sing "Beautiful Sadness" over, and over, and over again until your neighbors start singing along. Works like a charm.

You remember all the good things, and now that there are even better moments awaiting you now that you know what to do or not to do what to look for and what to avoid.

One of my favorite quotes is Time wounds all heals. Not helpful, but good to keep a sense of humor at such times.

...live...simply live...

Ah yes do not call him ever! Mystery is very important. Disappear and find yourself. Melanie is right. And I second the nice underwear splurge, but make it a thong with a rhinestone heart in back. Men just love those. Real men anyway!

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