A Family's Day of Remembrance

Four years ago today my Father passed away. Four years. Though the memories I have of him are living reminders that a love shared cannot be erased. 

My Godchild George (8) sent me an email late last night saying he missed Vo (my Father's name to his Grandchildren) and did I had any photos of him that I could send.

My Godchild George was four when my Father died. Four years old, and yet he has memories that make his heart ache too.

Love is like that: It doesn't matter how old you are, or how deep it penetrates, once it touches your heart you are never the same.

Kübler-Ross lists that there are five stages that a grieving person goes through. The five stages are: Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, then acceptance.

I remember shortly after my Father died I slept a great deal. One early morning, I had barely opened my eyes-- I saw my mom dusting my bed frame. I asked, "Mom are you dusting, or am I dreaming?" She replied through a steady stream of sadness, "I just have to keep busy."

Keeping busy is one way to cope with the sense of loss. My way was sleeping a great deal. Both were ways of denials: We were trying to avoid the overbearing sadness.

Grief must be felt one way or another. It will take you down an unknown path, but eventually it leads one to acceptance.

 

              

 

Last month while I was home I noticed that my Mother was more herself than she had been since my Father had died. That the mask that grief puts on us was less evident.

Grief takes time to go through. Sadness has many masks, losing someone we love marks deeply who we are and how we live our days.

When I saw my Mother I felt her courage... I realized that grief has a path of its own, being on it is not easy... but I also saw that letting go of grief (or acceptance as Kubler-Ross states) is not easy either! In someway it can feel like we are forgetting the person we have been grieving for. Letting go of grief can feel like we do not care as much. The sad label of grief marks us as remembering, holding on, where a smile can seems to say we no longer remember. Moving on from grief does not mean we are moving away from the one who has died, it means we are living with loss anew, and that takes a ton of courage.

My family has given me courage... and if I can be half as strong and as loving as they have shown me, then I am heading on a good path. 

 

Comments

[Vickie H.]

May God be with you and your family today and every day as you mark this somber anniversary. So many of us were by your side 4 years ago as you accompanied your father on his final journey. While you will never stop missing him, it must be a great comfort to know that your mother has come to a place of peace in moving forward with her own life. You all remain in my thoughts.

[Jillayne]

This is a beautiful tribute to your father, your mother, to your family, your nephew and to life.
Grief is a thing we all have (or will have) in common, and although the stages may be the same, we pass through them in different ways, each affecting us in a very personal way. I think the truest generosity is when we can accept those grieving differences, and recognize that tears and sadness are not the barometers of grief and sorrow.
You wrote about that so beautifully Corey and I shall always remember this post as one of the most special ones.

[Donna @ An Enchanted Cottage]

Oh, Corey. As always, when you speak of your father, your words go straight to my heart. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers today. I hope I reach the acceptance stage in the near future. Those who know me would think I'm there already, but I'm afraid a lot of my happiness and smiling is merely an act. Not all of it, but a lot. Thank you so much for posting this. Knowing it has been four years for you & your family and seven months for me, I suppose I should not wish to rush through the process; I'm sure it has a time schedule of its own.

I also had to tell you that Amanda is home from Zurich, Munich, and Venice. But She asked me to tell you that you recommend the BEST hotels! She had us in stitches telling us about her hotel in Venice. She just loved it and her time there! Thank you!

All my best to you, Corey,

Donna

[Donna @ An Enchanted Cottage]

P.S. Corey, I just loved the photos you shared of your entire family. You can just feel the love when you look at them...

All my best to you,

Donna

[Brocante Girl]

Thinking of you and your family today, dear Corey.
Wishing you peaceful remembrance and lots of love.

[Linda H]

An anniversary of the heart. Blessings and comfort to you all.

[Ann]

Dear Corey, I also lost my father four years ago and know exactly what you are talking about. The pain of the loss is too great for words. It has taken me four years to feel somewhat normal again. I finally can look at a picture of dad without crying. Since dad played the guitar so beautifully, I couldn't listen to CD's that reminded me of him...now I can get through it. My brother gave me a tape of dad playing the guitar but I haven't been able to listen to it yet -- one day I will. Acceptance finally but never forgotten. Have a peaceful day of joyful memories!

[Sharon Penney-Morrison]

It has been 10 years since I lost my true love of 40 years.
We do move on, and cope with loss as time drifts on...however, he is still in my thought when I wake up in the morning and throughout the day. He is tied to my heart with an invisible string, that only I can see. Sometimes I ask him questions.

I have moved on and have someone in my life that is special, but no one can ever fill the void that my first love held. He is with me everyday...I know him by heart.

Hugs to you this day....

[martina]

Very well said, Corey. My Dad passed away 27 years ago and not a day goe by that I'm not reminded of him.
He didn't sing often,but did love singing Red River Valley and On Top of Old Smokey. They were playing On Top of Old Smokey on the radio the other day. When it came to the line "Angels in Heaven know I love you", I got weepy.
That is a lovely family photo you posted. Those of us who were with you four years ago will never forget your papa.

[Nicolette]

Corey,
I've known you, well, all my life. I have put you on this pedestal. You always know what to say and how to say it or explain why we feel this way. You were and still are my teacher of wisdom. You are strong, passionate and you care deeply for others, but I have relized my teacher is also human. She needs words of encouragement, comfort, and faith.
You reached out 4yrs ago and I did not listen, really listen. Your needs.
I'm so sorry for not being their for you 4yrs ago.
I Love you deeply.

[Kathie B]

Anniversaries of the deaths of loved ones are just days to be gotten through somehow. Even when it's been 14 years instead of 4, you still won't have forgotten. But each year we function a little better than on the previous anniversary.

[Ellen]

May you feel God's arms around you this day and in days to come, and may you continue to be blessed by your precious memories of your dad. It has been 13 years since my dad died, and I still miss him so much. Thank you for your beautiful post. I know it helps all of us who've experienced loss.

[Jeannie]

Anniversaries of death are bittersweet. My Gram will be gone 30 years this July. Instead of marking that day now, I remember her on her birthday (May 4). I do something I know she would have enjoyed doing with me. It is a memorial of times together and strong memories in honor of a strong woman. My heart goes out to you and yours and I hope that the pain is not as sharp and that you do something that you and your Dad would have done together. To shed tears and recall the funtimes shared. xoxo

[Beachy]

What a loving post, and a beautiful tribute to your father. You have such a strong and supportive family Corey, and I'm sure your father is still at the helm of all that love! xo

[Jenna]

I would have liked to have known him, he sounds like an amazing man. Even though it has been four years, I am sorry for your loss and pain. I am sure he is looking down at you and he is proud.

[Kiki]

beautifully said! :)

[Kiki]

such a beautiful and touching testimonial to your dad, Corey.
I think of my father every day and have sometimes long conversations with him, but more often I just smile when I think what he would say to me in a special situation. On his birthday I always send a special birthday card to my mum and I give her a phone call. On his death day I phone her too and tell her that together we all can go through this day and then the next... The pain never goes totally away but if we can be grateful for him (her/them), for the end of their suffering maybe, it becomes less with the years.
God bless you
Kiki

[French la Vie]

Hi Jeannie

I think I too will start your tradition of doing something special on his birthday.

C

[French la Vie]

Dear Cousin,
You have ALWAYS been there for me! I have never felt otherwise.
xxxx C

[French la Vie]

Hello S

XXX I remember our conversations about your love, and a love like that never leaves.

C

[French la Vie]

Hi Ann

Music does have a way at pulling at the heart strings. I can imagine how hard it must be for you to have your father's music... though I can also imagine how hard it must be not to listen to it.

Thinking of you,
C

[French la Vie]

Linda, Your words are perfection. xx C

[French la Vie]

Hi D

I am glad your daughter had a great time and liked the hotels. Do tell the funny bits!!
I will always remember the amazing bouquet of flowers you sent us when my father died.
Your friendship touched me more that you will ever know on that day.

xxxC

[French la Vie]

Dear Vicki H.
I remember this blogging community's support and prayers during that time. I was amazed, grateful as was my family. I will never forget the comments that flooded in with such guidance, love and grace.
Thank you Vicki!!

[Jeanne]

We all know the pain of losing our loved ones, and it helps to be able to share............our pain but we must also rejoice
be not sad for what is not
rejoice for what Once WAS♥

Love you
Big hugs
Love Jeanne

[Anne Lorys-Fiona and Twig]

I understand, Corey.
I lost my mother only 7 months ago, and I am still navigating the tumultuous waters of grief. I also slept a great deal, initially. I just wanted to be numb, you know?

I was her only child, and the love of her life.
She passed along to me her love of art and beauty, and every photograph I take or article I write is a tribute to the most wonderful mother that ever lived.

Big hugs, my friend.
Anne

[Zosia]

It's been 32 years since my Mom passed away. Time does help to accept or, rather, to get used to the thought that the person we love is not around, but sadness returns when I think that my Mom never saw me grow up, never met my daughter. I feel physical pain when I think that my Mom knew that she was dying (cancer) and was leaving 5 children, the youngest 14 years old. I wish I could do something for her, take that pain away. My daughter is 14 now and I cannot imagine not being in her life.

[momof5]

Such beautiful sentiments shared by all. Loss changes and strengthens us when we have the support of friends and family. I was touched by your nephews request and his ability to share his missing his Vo with you. I remember your posts four years ago. I'm glad your mom and you both are remembering without so much pain. I still mark my dads loss 52 years ago. Thanks for sharing your journey with us.

[Jill Flory]

Wow Cory, it's hard to believe it's been that long already. I know time flies but it seems like not that long ago that you were blogging about your father being in the hospital. My heart goes out to you and I will say a prayer for you tonight. and for your mother. You are special people and i'm so glad I found your blog so many years ago!

[Cathy J.]

Wishing you and your family peace of mind and God's special blessings!

[A Box of Chocolates]

8 years ago my dad left and 3 years ago our first grandson a baby 7 weeks old the grief was different, it was deeper. My dad had lived and loved and left behind memories we could treasure for ever. Lucas had barely been and that grief has taken so long to recover from. It all takes time every day another step forward, but never away from the love we had for them.

[RebeccaNYC]

Four years...wow. I found your blog around this time, and have been reading everyday since then. I am always moved by the love you have for your family, how strong your bonds are. Special blessings to you on this sad anniversary.

[joanny]

Sending you and your loving family support, and healing prayers. I have been following your blog for a long while, read it every day, and often send you wonderful thoughts and wishes but do not comment very often. If only one half of the world had a wonderful and loving family such as you -- we would have have peace, joy and loving kindness in our communities and on this lovely planet.

joanny

[French la Vie]

Hi J
You are like an old friend, whenever I see your comments here, I recall the blogging journey we have taken. Your poems are beautiful.

C

[French la Vie]

Hello RNYC,

My brother Mat knows you for your good comments you give back to him. You are part of our blogging family :)

Thanks R!

C

[French la Vie]

Hi B of C

I cannot imagine losing a child! The pain would be unbearable. I am sorry to hear about your grandson. x

C

[French la Vie]

Hi Jill

I remember your support. It was of great comfort. Thank you!

C

[French la Vie]

Hi Momof 5

You must have been so young? Similar to Zosia.
I am sorry you grew up without a parent... how sad.
You gave me so much courage and still do,
xxx

[French la Vie]

Hi Z
You are a beautiful woman and your mother is proud. Thank you for sharing from your heart and helping me to heal my own.
Thinking of you,
C

[French la Vie]

Anne
Be gentle with yourself. Death has a sting that hurts for a long time. I hope you have someone you can lean on, being an only child must make your grief unbearable at times.
My prayers are with you as you grieve the lost of your mother xxx
C

[French la Vie]

Hi J
I know you know. Your story about your husband I will always hold. I think of you often, and am grateful for every ounce of love you have given me. Thank you so much for being part of my daily life!
xx
Corey

[Laura]

I am so sorry too Corey. I also began reading your blog about 4 yrs ago - time does fly!

This May will be the 10th anniversary of my Dad's death. Shocks the mind that it's been so long. It seems so long ago and yet so recent. I still talk about Dad quite a bit and think about him.

Grief is weird - everyone in my family experienced it differently. Me? I gained weight. Figures! WHY not lose weight??? :) :)

Hang in there - remember your Dad is in a VERY good place now. We are simply left behind waiting to meet once again. Then it will be sheer joy and bliss.

[Amy Kortuem]

It takes longer than you think, doesn't it, to be at "acceptance." My beloved grandmother, who was the first person to hold me after I was born and was my soul and heart mate in so many ways, died in 1997. I still grieve her.

Blessings and hugs to you on this anniversary day.

[Rene]

Dearest Cory, they say time heals all wounds,although we have a choice to run or embrace,you have stayed true to the path,so hard to do sometimes,feeling alone,but the truth is we are never alone,surely the truth is what sets us free.We have all watched you through your blog and admired your courage.much Love Rene'

[Christine]

Corey, thank you for the beautifully written post. Saturday was the 12 year anniversary of my dad's death, followed by my mom's 29 days later. To this day it still hurts. The pain has softened over the years but still remains. May 16 falls in the center of this period of time and they would have been married 86 years. My memories are as vivid as if it were yesterday. I will be thinking of you today and sending prayers of comfort your way. xox

[Joan Thodas]

April 29th, a heartbreaking day for both of us, my sweet mother, George's sister Velma, left us on that day 12 years ago.

[Mary O. K.]

That was beautiful Corey, but I couldn't get through reading it without shedding tears. On the 17th of this month will be 18 months. I actually went into the store the other day and for the first time didn't start instantly crying when I saw your Mom. I know all those "riders" are up there having a great time together!! Mary O.K.

[Paula Tyner]

You have touched my heart - once again. Paula