27 May 2020
26 May 2020
25 May 2020
Nearing 100,000
”The cover of Sunday’s New York Times. It lists the names of 1000 Americans, dead of Covid-19. One thousand is just one percent of the number of those officially counted as dead of coronavirus we will likely hit this Memorial Day weekend.
It is “AN INCALCULABLE LOSS,” the headline reads. “They Were Not Simply Names on a List, They Were Us.”
The editors introduce the list by saying: “Numbers alone cannot possibly measure the impact of the coronavirus on America, whether it is the number of patients treated, jobs interrupted or lives cut short. As the country nears a grim milestone of 100,000 deaths attributed to the virus, The New York Times scoured more than 1,000 obituaries and death notices honoring those who died. None were mere numbers.”
Each name comes with a characteristic of the person lost: “Stanley L. Morse, 88, Stark County, Ohio, trombonist who once turned down an offer to join Duke Ellington’s orchestra;” “Jose Diaz-Ayala, 38, Palm Beach, Fla., served with the Palm Beach County Sheriff’s Office for 14 years;” “Louvenia Henderson, 44, Tonawanda, N.Y., proud single mother of three;” “Ruth Skapinok, 85, Roseville, Calif., backyard birds were known to eat from her hand.” “Richard Passman, 94, Silver Spring, Md., rocket engineer in the early days“💔
"Every year on the date, the 3,000 victims of September 11th are read aloud at the World Trade Center. It takes 3 hours.
If we were to read the names of each person who has died of Covid-19 so far, it would take over 4 days, without stopping.
It would cover each Sunday issue for over the next two years.
Today I read 1% of those names. Each of those names was allowed half a sentence to describe them. Half a sentence for a lifetime on the front page of The New York Times.
I picked out some of my favorites:
-“We called him the grand Poobah”
-her backyard birds ate right from her hand
-could fix almost anything
-first black woman to graduate Harvard Law school
-quick with his fists in the ring
-her will was indomitable
-he could spit a watermelon seed halfway across a double lot
-agent who turned on the CIA
-her favorite quote was ‘I am as good as you are, and as bad as I am’
-cancer survivor who lived as a deacon
-nothing delighted him more than picking up the bill
-saved 56 Jewish families from the Gestapo
-could be a real jokester
-thought it was important to know a person’s life story
-maestro of a steel-pan band
-saw friends at their worst and made them their best
-engineer behind the first 200mph stock car
-discovered his true calling when he started driving a school bus
-made the best Baklava ever
-emergency room doctor who died in his husband’s arms
-leader in integrating schools
-architect behind Boston’s City Hall
-shared his produce with food banks and neighbors
-family believed she would have lived the traditional Navajo lifespan of 102 years.
-loved his wife and said ‘yes dear’ a lot
-mother to a generation of AIDS patients
-worked long hard hours and still made time for everyone
-walked across the Golden Gate Bridge on opening day
-liked his bacon and hash browns crispy
-more adept than many knew
-would stay awake the whole night shift because she didn’t want anyone to die alone
-freed from life in prison
-her last words were ‘thank you’
Seven small towns I thought no one else had heard of.
Six women who reminded me of my mother.
Five people my age.
Four holocaust survivors.
Three 9/11 responders.
Two couples who died together.
One person I’ve met.
And a 5 year old girl.
They didn't get a funeral.
They didn't get to say goodbye.
I've been in my apartment for 71 days. I've cried four times.
Three of those times, was while I read this.
Have fun at your barbecue." - Jacqueline Kamel“
24 May 2020
23 May 2020
Bye Bye Blackbirds
Every day I go for a walk around the rice fields behind my mother's home. I can walk along the dirt roads that the farmers use to check their crops for miles and miles endlessly around rice fields that are taking root. The pleasure of seeing nature take its course and farmers working steadily with the season. The blackberry vines are growing wildly as they should, and I have spotted and noted the ones I can reach to gather for my mother's blackberry pies.
Sacha pointed out the red wing crow's nest that was brilliantly nestled in the reeds alongside the canal.
As it was surrounded by water it was hard to take a photo and or to see if there were eggs inside.
But Sacha managed to lean in and see that there were three eggs.
From that day last Saturday, I walked the three miles to their nest to see if they had hatched and how they were fairing.
Three little birdies hatched Sunday.
What a pleasure to see them grow each day. They endured some might winds, rain, and unusually cold weather for this time of year.
Yesterday they had little feathers.
They became my symbol of new life, for a new tomorrow.
They made my steps going towards them giddy as I wanted to see their growth.
The disappointment of finding this misfortune today. I had hoped to see them fill out, feather fluff and fly away.
Nature has its ways. Life does too.
Understandable or not.
Unfair and beautiful,
full of richness and misfortune
it carries on and so do we.
Bye bye Blackbird.
22 May 2020
21 May 2020
20 May 2020
The Sky Was the Ultimate Lusciousness This Evening.
As the evening started to fall Sacha and I saw that mother nature's elements were in place for another spectacular night. So off we went back up Hwy 162 heading towards Elk Creek to see if our good fortune would strike twice.
To see Sacha's photos please follow him on Instagram.
At first, the light was too harsh and the sun kept disappearing behind the humongous clouds. But before our disappointment settled in Mother Nature gave us at last thirty minutes of wow.
Years ago one summer in August when Sacha was 10 or 12 or maybe 8 years old we woke up in the middle of the night to watch The Perseids. That year like no other year I have ever witnessed before or after the falling stars were plentiful it was like a fourth of July fireworks but better. Sacha and I were beyond excited, "Look at that one, no that one! Oh my Sacha over here, No mom look there!" This went on and on until we had an idea to stand back to back, he would watch his side of the universe and I would watch my side of the universe and together we would see it all together.
That moment is one of my most cherished memories, and if I could go back in time that would have to be one of my top ten to return too. These last two days will be carved memories in my spirit too.
Such a sacred blessing to have Sacha here, to share this time with him and my mom. To be without agenda and to keep each other from succumbing to fear and sadness. My mom's practical loving approach just taking it one day as it comes and not getting bogged down by the what-ifs. Sacha's keeping busy had me in the orchard cutting suckers, trimming my mom's yard and burning a massive pile of leaves and twigs, then planting a garden, and trimming trees, and fixing the chicken pen. Between the two of them keeping busy and staying focus I have seen that my ways of seeking answers and trying to figure the impossible out are not the way to go.
Peace and harmony is a practice mostly involving letting go and letting be.
Sacha and I stood in awe. Just like we did many years ago. I snapped photos with my cell phone promising myself I would never leave home again without my camera. Then realizing these photos are good enough for me knowing Sacha will always lug his camera and gear if I wanted to use it.
How could a bad photo be taken on a night like these two last evenings?
Nature was in a full glorious display.
Following the road to our hearts. Why not? What else is there really?
Oh, that luscious glorious beautiful sky.
Thank you Mother Nature for doing what you do best
Showing up and reminding me to not take you for granted.
19 May 2020
The Road is Home
Sacha my son often asks, "Why did you leave?"
And my heart stings.
Following your heart is not always easy.
Especially when it divides you in two.
Oh, distant geese that fly overhead where are you going?
Rolling gold along the long grey paved road.
I left because I fell in love.
I come back because I am in love.
That is the gift of an abundant harvest.
But toil I must.
Rarely does anything grow without sweat, tear, discipline, and desire.
Follow your dreams
there is nothing better
except for love and usually, they go together.
Hand in hand
tug of war at times
a richness of colors
guidance to trust.
A journey far and wide.
With its twist turns is never a straight shot.
Blurred are the borders, vast is the horizon,
Home
is what I must hold in my heart.
At the end of the valley, Mount Shasta rises.
What do I see, the valley, the mountain, the peaks, or the valley?
In honesty, it depends on the day.
The varied landscape of emotion and view.
Faith takes my hand and leads the way.
18 May 2020
17 May 2020
16 May 2020
The Bird's Nest
While on my daily walk around the rice fields Sacha pointed out a red wing crow's nest in the ditch amongst the reeds. I would not have noticed it as it was well concealed and neatly created. A masterpiece exactly as nature is.
We marked the path so we could go back and check to see when the blue eggs had hatched.
Yesterday two of them hatched and today the third one did.
Newbies to the world.
I will check on them daily and keep you posted on the growth.
New life. So refreshingly sweet and gentle on the weary moments of this time.
15 May 2020
We Still Have to do the Hike
This quote was on a friend’s Facebook, it resounded in me so I thought I would share it.
After these endless days that have turned into weeks, that have stretched into months with no end in sight some of us are shifting our position and some of us are wondering what is next to stay safe shelter if we can or to venture out occasionally or to just get on with it.
When I go out my senses are heightened, I am anxious which is a feeling a rarely entertain and when I see someone I know I become awkward not knowing what I should do as I am a hugger I feel the urge to hug, and at the same time the desire to hide. I do not hug anymore which is understandable and disappointing, I back up instead and feel guilty for not trusting.
Someone recently told me I have to get out, get going, and live outside of my safety zone. I stood speechless. I asked if she believed in herd immunity which I added is as far off as a vaccine. She said she didn’t know about that, doesn’t follow the news, but chances are we are all going to get it so we might as well get it and get over it. Still dumbfounded by my friend’s calm demeanor I asked if she was afraid of becoming desperately sick and possibly dying? She rolled her eyes most people get sick a little and move on.
I replied I could stay safe and didn’t want to take a chance of being the one who would need a ventilator.
My friend waved her arms, I am so over this. It is not that big of a deal.
Division without wanting it so.
It is surreal.
Stay safe if you want.
Go out and follow the guidelines.
Do what you think is right.
But please be kind.
14 May 2020
13 May 2020
I Miss You
I miss you
you know that
I don’t need to say it
and I know you miss me.
Missing feels sad and tender at the same time
like an arrow piercing and an invisible hug
missing you and you and you and you...
I wonder what it is like not to be missing someone?
12 May 2020
Casting our Stone
Years ago there was an interview about Mother Theresa who was in India caring for the dying.
In this particular interview, Mother Theresa was feeding a starving baby while reporters pestered her with comments such as: "You cannot save the dying, you are only one person, look at you care for one baby in the sea of many dying people. What is that you are doing... feeding one life?" and as they threw their insulting accusing anger towards her, Mother Teresa focused on the baby in her arms saying, "Look how he takes the bottle, look how he looks in my eyes, look how he is eating..."
She focused on hope and stood in the sea of suffering doing what she could:
A small stone cast causes ripples.
Those ripples spread forth regardless of what it will run into.
Casting our stone is a daily choice.
11 May 2020
10 May 2020
I Love You Mom
Over the last few years, Yann and I toyed with the idea of my coming over to California to spend a few months with my mom while she was/is in good health. Yann and I wonder what the best time was, and like things that are not urgent, it was pushed back to let's wait and see maybe next spring, or after the baby is born, or maybe after this project or after we do this or that... and then my brother found out he had cancer earlier this year and I came home as soon as I could planning to stay a few weeks to see if I could help out and then Covid 19 came along, such a game-changer which prolonged my stay giving me the incredible moment of extended time to share with my mother.
A blessing in disguise.
Since I married and moved to France I have come back to California to visit my family every year for a few weeks. At first, I came alone, then with the birth of each of our two children, we never missed a year and sometimes coming twice in a year. It was a commitment Yann and I made when we married, I would move to France but I would come back to visit my family every year and when we had children they would come too we kept to it no matter the cost nor what was going on in our lives. It wasn't easy at times, but we managed to make it work. As our children grew and became adults they started to come to visit my family on their own which meant I had succeeded in giving them the opportunity to know my family as deeply as if we lived here.
(My childhood room)
So here I am. With my mom in her home that I have known since I was a child, it has been three months. Now I must toy with the idea of when to go home. I flew over with Luftansa their flights have been grounded since March, nonetheless, I learned today that their flights will restart in June I am told.
My mother and I have spent our day tending the house, the garden, cooking, watching old movies, and observing the ever-changing fields around the house. Spending our time at home as many are doing to be safe for ourselves and others has removed the commitments, routines, and expectations that have given way to abundant time to simply be together which I have loved. A mighty blessing.
What I have learned is that my mother and I are similar but very different from one another. I have known this since I was a child. But being together as we have I see our differences not as a problem but more out of curiosity. How did I grow up so different from my mom? She is structured where I am spontaneous, she is a rule follower except for card playing. My mom follows a recipe to the grain of salt never altering what a recipe calls for, I cannot follow a recipe (I like to make them up), and if I must follow a recipe I usually change it ten times over. When we were working on puzzles she sees the puzzle by their shapes where I see the pieces of a puzzle by color. My mom prays the rosary I pray in silence. My mom can keep a secret, um... I cannot. My mom leads her life according to her faith, her God, the sees the good in people. I do too after I look around the corner, question, and maybe change directions here and there. I admire my mother's qualities especially because I lack them... Especially her courage to face anything through the lens of faith and goodness.
My mother is comfortable in her skin a rare gift these days for older women it seems, she is generous in her day to day life with others, and doesn't doubt who she is she is:
A woman of faith and goodness.
I am fortunate to have this time with my mom. To be alone with her. To sit through days just being together watching re-runs of Gunsmoke and Jeopardy.
Happy Mother's Day to my beautiful graceful firecracker Mother!
xxx
Also Happy First Mother's Day dear darling Chelsea
xxx
Tell me about your mother.
09 May 2020
Rowing My Boat
We have little control over how life will unfold.
We can plan, create, directed our desires, and dreams into a hopeful reality. But in the end, it is life's currents that take us down the stream. It brings new meaning to the children's song
"...row, row, row your boat gently down the stream..."
Life is graceful, enduring, intense, magical, and tough. And so much more.
Nonetheless, with family and friends, with love, courage, and grace which weaves between us creating a space of faith and hope to lean on.
I am taking it as it comes.
I row sometimes merrily, and other times I am thankful that someone else is there doing what needs to be done, and other times I am just rowing.
08 May 2020
Guess Who is Walking
Gabriel is walking.
07 May 2020
What a Day Will Bring
The silver lining being home with my mother and son during COVID 19 is this extension of time, together as we pass these uncertain days I get to be with them with quality and quantity of time on hand. Plus the space and fields around my mother's home allow us a freedom that many do not have. A friend who lives in Milan, Patricia, said yesterday was the first time they could walk outside without a purpose there was dancing on the street. What a very different isolation it would be if I could not go outside and walk around as I do. I would miss seeing the lambs, the fox, the birds, the turtles, the horse, the chickens, the squirrels, the jackrabbit, cottontails ... life.
The canal stood still for months with dry cracks tracing the length of her course aching for the spring season for water to flow. And seemingly with the turn of a few days, the canal's belly was swollen full. Water lushed with gentle swells induced by the wind canal carried the water to the fields that too had been waiting after being toiled, combed and groomed dug and turned up with a sharp blade. Once the water flowed little by little the dry soil appeared like a lake, miles of lakes.
Then the crop duster does its dance.
06 May 2020
Where Do Your Thoughts Lead You?
The frame is very old, missing a few pieces, and crooked.
The tiny metal shield has two angels painted on it with a monstrance.
Behind the two objects a page out of French book with words such as Holy Family, Take Courage, Contrast, Divinity, Faith... a page out of a religious text that is certain, but not intended.
Why am I posting this? It spoke to me as things sometimes do.
In this uncertainty
where most things feel askew
and change happens each day
I look for peace, for a space of calm, for beauty in my path
and try to be in the moment at hand instead of trying to put things in order.
...
Where do your thoughts lead you these days?
05 May 2020
04 May 2020
One Pink Iris
My mother found one delicate pink iris in her garden.
I have been posting a photo of a flower every day on Facebook.
So far over forty photos since I started six weeks ago. I started posting photos because the news of coronavirus was overwhelming and I wanted to do something to bring peace in the storm.
Today it was a pink iris that bloomed in my mother's garden I took that as a sign of hope.
03 May 2020
We Do What We Can and Best When We Do It Together
Gabriel is ten months old and he loves to crawl up to his mom and dad and take their hand so he can walk. He loves to walk and walk and walk but not by himself not just yet.
He knows who he can trust and who to turn to when he wants to walk.
Simply by going towards them and taking their hand.
We are stronger together than alone.
And if we can not be together physically we must reach out to one another.
We do what we can and it amazes me what we can do when we do it together.
Standing strong by encouraging one another.
02 May 2020
Spring What Will You Bring For Us
Return of happiness that is what the first of May brings in with spring.
That is what the Lily of the valley symbolizes.
Spring: Morning light, the flowering almond, and cherry trees, awakening color, the roses growing over my bedroom window, birds song- especially the evening owls singing their mating song that I love so much, the scented air that stops me on my walks, butterflies, the delicate days that carry into the evening.
Spring comes in as I leave the window open at night, listening to the thundershowers.
Muguet under lace,
Emotion close to the surface,
Pulling back winter's blanket,
Awakening.
What would is your teinture-tincture for Spring?
A drop of sunshine,
a sprig of thyme,
a blush of pink by pinching a baby's cheek...
a note of Pomp and Circumstance as the graduates march.
01 May 2020
My Brother’s Almond Orchard
30 April 2020
29 April 2020
The Sweetest Bloom in our Garden
Roses from my garden back in France. Chelsea and co. came to stay with Yann for several days. Our garden is at its best in May. But this year the roses bloomed in advance as did the Irises.
Chelsea and Yann both have been sending me photos that please me.
Those Eden roses give perfume as beautiful as they look.
Gabriel enjoyed discovering our garden especially the rainwater gathered on the mushroom stools.
He also gave everyone no rest as he likes to put everything in his mouth rocks are his favorite.
Oh my, I want to kiss him.
28 April 2020
27 April 2020
Childhood Bedroom
Looking out to this view that I know by heart even with the ever changing rice fields as they alternate between seasons. Change and rebirth constant companions feel like nothing compared to this gigantic shift. Serene from my window brings me what I need for the day x
“Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”
Reinhold Niebuhr AMERICAN THEOLOGIAN
26 April 2020
Superstar Breakfast
My mother is a baker. Baking comes to her naturally. My mom would love to bake all day long but I prefer to walk than to roll. And roll I would if I eat all her would be goodies. I am no fun as I do not want her to bake.
But breakfast cream puffs oh yes bring them on!
25 April 2020
24 April 2020
23 April 2020
22 April 2020
The Garden of Black and White
Tangled in the black and white
nothing seems certain
once where your fragrance guided me to such a sweet place
now the ache of not knowing leads the reins
I took for granted the littlest of things not knowing how they could change
not ever questioning the possibility
a rose with its enchanting perfume
standing in the aisle looking at one thing and another not being rushed
going to your house without calling you first
sitting by you smelling your perfume
knowing what day it was
The garden of black and white was never grey.
21 April 2020
Hope Against the Odds
When walking in what feels like a dark tunnel what brings hope is a flicker of light, no matter how small, at the end of the tunnel.
Faith is something personal and either the person has it or doesn't and one might start to look for it because of need.
Encouragement from others can help with focusing on the light at the end of the tunnel and not the darkness that surrounds, encouragements such as, "You are moving in the right direction".
When the tunnel goes on and on as it sometimes does there might need to be a dose of humor, touches of unexpected kindness, and moments of the sacred made visible.
Often another hand to help you find your way, walking with alone can be an extra burden.
I am having a hard time keeping up with the many wonderful messages you are sending me! I appreciate each and every one of them. And so I want to say here and now to those of you who have asked me how my brother is doing:
My brother is a marvel and he is walking through this tunnel with more courage imaginable. Your prayers and messages have been beacons of light! Thank you so much. This Wednesday he will have another chemotherapy session I believe it is the sixth one. Thank you for remembering on Wednesday.
xxx
20 April 2020
Will Hugging be in our Children's Memory?
My sister in law is a well-loved elementary school teacher. The other day while she was at the grocery store trying to go quickly and being mindful of her every movement a child-student saw her and came running up to her with open arms, "Mrs. Amaro!!" Then as fast as her excitement mounted the little girl abruptly stopped and stood back knowing she could not hug her teacher.
Is this a new world for our children who might not have a history of hugging as they grow up in this new environment?
It made me feel sad thinking about it today.
19 April 2020
Standing in the Midst of it All
That the powerful play goes on, and you may contribute a verse.
Source: Leaves of Grass (1892)
18 April 2020
17 April 2020
Unsung Hero
Blackbirds flew in a perfect pattern landing gracefully on the freshly toiled field while
Dust billowed in the distance behind the farmer’s tractor
As the sun’s golden fingers touched the earth and redden my face, the canals filled with water made ready to flood the fields where the rice seed will float and root. The raw endless beauty of soil, sun, water, seed... harnessed by the unsung hero for tomorrow's harvest.
Daily miles walks around this land over the last two months have brought me gratitude, meditation, and serenity in these uneasy times. Nature has a way of inviting reflection, especially this moment where the world has stopped, (did nature have a hand in this?) I saw a Tiger Swallowtail there use to be plenty in our yard when I was a child I hadn't seen one in years. Two honkers, a couple, are now living with the sheep, Sacha saw a turtle in the creek, but the most enchanting is the dance of hundreds of pairs of wings in flawless movement in a blue sky without a single stitch mark from a jet.
Ah, the everyday life of land untamed and holy giving us life.
Photo via Godspeed Instagram (Sacha's photograph)
16 April 2020
Ten Months Old
A very blurry photo of you sleeping,
I see you in my dreams.
hearing you in my heart and in my days without you, I send you my love.
Happy Ten Months Old Baby Gabriel xxx
15 April 2020
14 April 2020
13 April 2020
Easter Chocolates and Tee Shirts
Seriously, I doubt next year Gabriel will have chocolates so he might be crying still. Lately, he loves to open and close drawers, he loves to take things out and put things back in the drawers too. So when he found the chocolates he tried to put them in his mouth like he does everything he finds only to be told, "Not for Gabriel..." and he started to cry, because isn't everything for Baby?
The day before France had the lockdown Chelsea and Martin were in Marseille for some business and were planning to return to Paris the next day. Needless to say, they had very few personal belongings with them. Imagine the ever-growing baby and the variety of clothes they use. With the lockdown in place, the French can only go to the nearest grocery store. Martin's mother is the designated shopper so when she goes to the grocery store whatever they might have for a baby in need is bought. Too big baby shoes, wildly colorful bibs, mixed match colors or designs... as Chelsea laughingly says, "Not often the clothes I would have had in mind... and sadly the clothes back in our apartment he will never wear as he has grown. His Easter outfit ... and our clothes... remain hanging in Paris."
But at least he has clothes and warmer weather is coming. Clothes are the least of our problems.
Though lack of chocolates...
12 April 2020
The Luxury of Being Safe
My mother sat at her front door when my brother Mark and his family came over to wish us a Happy Easter. They brought mom flowers and succulents. It is an odd Easter for many of us. My mom usually makes Easter lunch for the entire family and has games lined up... this year it is just three of us: My mom, Sacha and myself. I imagine for you and yours it is similar, a different feel, somber, with thankful rejoicing and prayers of hope.
and tears.
Chelsea sent me some videos and photos of Gabriel's first Easter. Yann was able to join them for lunch.
Yann took out some Easter decor for our home. The bunny was his when he was a baby.
There were no more chocolate eggs at the bakery, so he bought a chocolate bunny at the shop.
First Easter. Did any of us imagine it to be like this?
When I start to feel sad I pull myself up with...
You have the luxury of being safe, of knowing your family is safe.
And that puts me on track within seconds.
We all have a price to pay in this moment of history unfortunately some pay a much higher price.
Yann took a photo of the first rose in the garden.
He made me so happy by thinking to send a photo of one!
_____
Happy Easter!
May we too rise against the odds,
have faith to face the unknown,
and follow love no matter the cost.
I am holding on to those I love and those of you who have blessed me throughout the years.
May you be safe, may you be well and may you be happy.
The Light in the Darkness
An angel drops flowers like rain from heaven. The background of tangled tree branches beginning to bloom speaking of rebirth a symbol of life continuing.
A rusty window frame holds fragments of tinted glass. Light pours through though unable to share any memories.
Layers of time past and present
the broken stained glass renders Mary holding a faceless Jesus.
Light illuminates a cloak of blue covering those who walk by.
This tomb made me gasp. The blue eyes of a child, the ruby lips, the iron door delicately designed with flowers. The sorrow of death and the hope of an afterlife.
Fragmented stone statues, engraved words, iron gates that are unlocked
names of people of the past and bouquets of flowers with fragrant dried petals.
Messages of life and death, are within the walls that surround it.
A larger than life stone statue sits with her eyes closed, her arms are broken...her lips partly open as if she might utter a word. Stories vanished in the earth.
"If you can't find light in the darkness be the light in the darkness"
@bravegirlsclub.com
